Stop Letting Shame Make You Pay for the Same Mistake

- What's up, family? Another episode of MasterTech to Millionaire Auto Shop Ministries with Pastor Devontae Tidwell. How you doing, Devontae? How's your morning going? - Man, it's going great. It is going great because I'm here with y'all. You know what I mean? Listen, I am grateful for everybody that's out there. Again, I just wanna say thank you, thank you, thank you. If this has been helping you and blessing you, you know, maybe you feel like I don't really know how to do the whole talking to people about Jesus thing. I'm gonna make it really easy for you. Why don't you send this to somebody? Just say, hey, I was listening to this. I've been listening to this for the last several weeks and it's really been helping me with some stuff. Maybe you'll enjoy it. That's all you gotta say. You don't even have to tell them what it is. Just kinda hit 'em with a little okey-doke. You know what I mean? Like say, hey, look at this link.

When I thought this video was so funny, sandwich it between two funny Instagram reels or whatever you wanna do, you know? And then send it to 'em and you never know what God is gonna do in their life by them listening. So I'm doing great because I'm here with y'all. - And you do your extra smiley this week, you dog. You got a hole in one like a friggin' last week. Guy's been playing golf for like a long time. I've been playing 15 years. I do have one, thank God. But you got one after a friggin' three months. - I did. - I'm not supposed to be jealous on a Christian podcast, but you know, I think I am. We all need help. - Hey man, I promise that Joe and I are friends. In case you're listening, I promise Joe and I are really good friends. No, it was crazy, man. I have been playing for four months, but I also like, I probably play entirely too much for like, you know, a beginner. I'm very, I kinda have a crazy kind of obsessed personality

around golf and it's just, you know, it's been something that's been healing for me that God told me to do, but I kinda feel like everybody that's at the church and stuff has been joking and sending me messages. I've been getting messages and voice memos like with like congratulations, but also a lot of jealousy, a lot of hatred. - Also, I literally hate you. - Exactly. - Like, well there you have it. The miracles do happen, you know. God is my moment. - Right. - Anyway, let's get to work. What are we talking about? What are we telling? - Ironically, Joe, today's title is move on to more. So, you know, I wanna talk. I wanna encourage some people, man, that you know, that the future is bright because recently we talked about, you know, the time being now and, you know, as I was thinking about it, it's like, I don't want people to feel bad about thinking about the future. You know, I don't want them to just be so present

and never give any thought to the future, so I wanted to kind of clarify for some people and I felt like it was a natural segue and telling them to move on to more. And really, this could get a little bit emotional for some people because one of the things that people struggle with and the reason they never move on is because of this word and watch this, it's a small one-syllable word, but it's deadly and it's shame. - Oh, yeah. - Shame. And so many people get caught up in shame. Shame is like, it's sticky. Shame is like, you know, a trap. Shame is one of the things that's extremely elusive. Shame is one of the things that will feel like a thick cloud. Shame is one of the things that you can look back on and honestly, if you spent any amount of life living, whether you were a Christian or not, you can look back on some situations where you have some immense amount of shame. And shame also alters the way, not only you see the past, but watch this,

not only the way you see the past, but also the way you act towards the future. I'll say that again very slowly for some people. I wanna go slow today. Shame not only changes the way you see your past, it changes the way you act and behave toward your future. So I wanna start off right here with some encouragement because that's a heavy statement right off the bat. But Proverbs 24 verse 16 says this, "For a righteous person falls seven times and rises again." The righteous person falls seven times and rises again. Another translation says, "But a righteous man falls seven times, but they get up." The key here, Joe, is not that being righteous means you never fall. - Yeah, for sure. - The key to being righteous is how well you recover, how well you get up. It's not that you never make a mistake, it's that when you make a mistake, it's not the end of your process, of your journey. And so I feel like when I think of shame,

and this is somebody who has struggled with shame, if you're listening out there, you are not alone. I have struggled with shame for a very long time. And shame can grip you. It's like quicksand and you start in it and you sink slowly and slowly and more slowly and more slowly. And then over time you look up and you're up to your neck and you can't get out. At least that's what it feels like. But I find it interesting that people don't move on to more because they're stuck in a past that they can't go back and change. And I don't know if you're listening to this and really understand that there is an enemy of your soul that is after your progress. Doesn't want you to be better. Doesn't want you to be the best version of yourself. Doesn't want you to succeed, not just in business, in life. Doesn't want you to have rest. Doesn't want you to sleep at night. Doesn't want you to have joy. Doesn't want you to look at your kids

and smile and create memories. Doesn't want you to have a healthy relationship. Doesn't want you to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Shame is the thing that makes you look back on the past and then makes you stuck right here today so that you cannot behave towards your future. I wanna say I'm sorry to everybody out there who is dealing with shame, not because you did something that you shouldn't have done. We all make mistakes. There are consequences for those mistakes, whatever. I'm sorry that you are still paying the price every single day for a mistake that God is already ready to forgive you for. - It's brutal, Joe. It's brutal. - Yeah, it's actually brutal. So I have a journey as well and shame has been really hard part of my life. I think everybody, it's a performer mindset. It's like, when you do something, I get a lot of dopamine from doing a good job. I tell my wife, that's like my love language,

just feeling like I'm doing a good job. And when I'm not doing a good job, I feel like really ashamed. It's like maybe it goes back to my childhood or something. I don't know, who knows? One thing that was really helpful for me is defining terms. I think there's a difference between shame and remorse. I can do something bad and be remorseful, but that doesn't define who I am. Because when you're ashamed, you're like, at least I would tell myself thoughts like, oh, this makes you a bad person or how horrible of a person you are for having these thoughts or whatever. And then you get more ashamed and then you need more dopamine in the form of whatever vice it is, being lazy or whatever, being a glutton. And something that was helpful for me is Jesus got tempted in the Bible. He literally got tempted in the desert. And the devil was like, you could have it all. He was a human just like us. And he literally got tempted in the desert.

And so should he be ashamed for having those thoughts? I would reckon no. I would say that he should because the righteous man falls seven times. I love that. So another thing that's been helpful for me is just like my wife's a therapist and she has this strategy with kids whenever they're really traumatized. When you get traumatized really bad, you just never talk about it. And so your only association with that memory is to basically it's the worst thing that's ever happened in your life. So what she trains her kids to do is to write it out on a piece of paper and be like, these are all the things that happen to me. And I forgive the person that did those things to me because Jesus forgave them and I wanna be like Jesus or whatever. - She's not actually a Christian psychologist but you get where I'm going with this. But the idea is that if you label the thoughts, then they're just thoughts. They're not like you.

They're not like your, I used to think like, oh, the thoughts in my head, like I'm responsible for having those thoughts. It's like, no, those are just thoughts that are coming into my brain. Jesus was tempted. That doesn't mean Jesus wanted or that doesn't mean Jesus, he didn't sin. And so those thoughts label him. Hey, that's the devil, rebuke the devil and keep it moving because shame is like the ultimate, I like the word to use quicksand from, and I know I've been going for a little bit here but it's really personal to me too. Like it's the ultimate quicksand from spiraling your life out of control because you get ashamed and then you're like, I need more dopamine. So you go to the cheap stuff, whatever your vice is and then you get more ashamed because you use the vice and the spiral, so I'll get off my soapbox but I can't wait to hear what you have. - I love that you said it that way because I love using analogies for people

if y'all couldn't tell by now, if you've been listening to us for any amount of time, I put it like this, that a waiter keeps dropping the bill for a meal that you already paid for. So imagine sitting at a restaurant and you already paid for the meal. They already said, hey, thank you so much, you left the tip on the table and then they come back and they bring you another bill. It's like, wait a second, like I already paid for the steak, what am I doing? No, you have to pay for it again. And then you commit to paying for it again. And then after you do it again, before you leave the restaurant at the front door, they stop you again and say, hey, hey, we just brought you another bill for the meal you just ate. Like what is, this is the third time I've paid for this. But that sounds silly, you know, and I love using analogies like this because it makes it sound silly when we put it in another context until we apply it and tell you

that that's exactly what shame does. Shame is making you repay today for something that was already paid for in some cases years ago, years ago. Like you should have been over it by now, but again, the shame is making you feel as if you have to pay for it again right now. Say, man, that was 10 years ago. Man, that was seven years ago. Man, that was five years ago. Man, that was five months ago. And it's like, that's not even who I am anymore. I'm not the same person I was six months ago, let alone six years ago, you know? Like to put it in context, we talked about the whole new one at the beginning of this. I wasn't playing golf six months ago. And now we have stories and ways to connect around it just to show you how much your life can change in such a short amount of time. Well, that's exactly what shame does. Shame makes you focus on the past, but I don't even wanna focus on the past because that's exactly what shame wants you to do.

I want you to move on to more. I want you to get to the future because there's another scripture that says this, that says that your latter days will be greater than your former days. Job chapter eight verse seven says, though your beginning was insignificant, your end will increase greatly. Isn't that amazing? Like think about how God is basically saying, if you're still breathing, (laughing) then the best days are still up ahead for you. Haggad chapter two verse nine says, the latter glory of this house will be greater than the former, says the Lord of Heaven's armies. And in this place, I will give peace, declares the Lord. The latter days, in other words, the days ahead will be far better than the ones that are behind you. And I am fascinated with the process of shame because it's something that I've struggled with for a long time as well. And I realize how it literally can make you feel as if you are still living in that moment today.

But what if it's not about like, man, I don't wanna mess up again 'cause I don't want next time to be like the last time. Let's reframe that for people. What if next time was the best time? What if your latter days would be greater than your former? How would it change the way you lived? Because like I said, shame makes you focus on the past and alters the way you behave towards the future in a negative way. But hope makes you learn from the past and alters the way you behave towards the future in a positive way. I gotta hope that my latter days will be better. I gotta hope that the best days are ahead of me. I gotta hope that there's more up in front of me. I gotta hope that like I'm in my 80s and I'm not done yet. I'm still breathing. There's more in me. There's more people to impact. There's more people to teach. There's more wealth to leave. There's more relationships to enjoy. There's more memories to create.

If you change that, if you replace the shame with hope, you change the way you act going forward. You know, we talked about golf. So the PGA Tour actually tracks recovery, right? You make par after missing a green. But nobody tracks who never misses because nobody never misses. That's not a thing. Like nobody-- - Except for Scotty Scheffner. - Right, right, right. Yeah, he's been on a string lately. - But he still misses like one in five. You know, he misses a lot. Like, yeah exactly. - No, you're right though. And it's something I want to go. Joe, and you know this because you're even more of a golf statistician than I am. What's the tour average for hitting an eight foot put? - 50/50, yeah. So if the best people in the world from eight foot out, like eight feet out from the cup-- - On perfect greens, by the way. That they all know the reeds on and they're literally professionals. They do this for a living. And I miss a 15 footer and I'm like, I suck.

- Exactly. - You know, like literally. - But that's exactly how we do our lives with shame. It's like, you know what you have to be? To be a elite batter in baseball. - Yeah, fail seven times out of seven. - Exactly. - Hall of Famer. - You're a Hall of Famer if you bat 300. If you bat 300 for your career, you're going to the Hall of Fame. You're gonna make $80 million a year. You're gonna-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - So wait, oh, I miss more than I make. In every single area of life, we understand that. But the other thing that makes these people great, Joe, is the mental side of how they treat the next shot. So even if they miss the 50/50, even if they, oh, man, yeah, I'm batting 300 for my average, but that doesn't mean that every night is 300. That means that some nights were 260, 250. Some days were over that. It was 370, 360. Well, they don't say, oh, man, well, I messed up once, man. My next at bat is over.

Oh, man, I doubled on hole four. Like, I had to rest it around, it's cooked. Like, nobody thinks that way in those spaces. But that's exactly how we live our life with Shayne. - You know who the number one, they track this stat called bounce back on the PGA Tour, which is when you make a birdie after you make a bogey. And you know who the number one on tour is? Scott is the best player. He's the best player in the world. And it's like kind of a funny metaphor, but if I'm understanding what you're saying, it's like it's so important to literally pick your head up and be like, keep it moving. Righteous man falls seven times, but he keeps his freaking head up. - That he gets up. That's it, that's exactly what I'm saying, is can you bounce back? You know, it's this way. Are you gonna bounce back and recover? Or are you gonna bounce backwards? Because I would rather bounce back, recover and keep trying and take another step forward.

Oh, man, I'm still trying to get it. Oh, I didn't get it right this time, but it's better than the last time. Versus saying, oh, man, I messed up. And then I bounced backwards. I'll tell somebody else, I'll tell another golf story, because you know, we already have been talking about it. So this week, we talked about how last week I hit a hole in one. This week, I broke my driver. (laughing) - Sorry, I shouldn't lie. - No, no, no, you can't. - As I continue to laugh, you deserve it. Hey, you deserve it, bro. Guess who doesn't feel bad for you at all? That would be me. - Right, but-- - Guess who sees the hole in one while I'm mounted on your desk right behind you. That would be me. I hope you broke it twice. - No, seriously, but that's what I mean, is like the ebbs and flows. - You have a legendary once-in-a-lifetime opportunity one time, and then you break a driver and you're like, well, all right, let me start counting up

how much this is gonna cost, you know, the next time. - Yeah, I give up. I never wanna play again or something. - And here's what I did out there when I broke it, Joe. I blew up the next three holes. - Oh, yeah, for sure, I bet you did. - Because I was so upset, Joe, and I was, to tell people just the context, I was on pace when I broke my driver. We had, I think we had four holes left, and I was on pace to score 92. - Like all-time record, yeah. - All-time record for me. Like-- - On a heel. - Bro, my putter was on a string. Like, you know, I'm with my guys, and they're like, bro, you're going forward today. You know, I had some bad shots still. But, and we played from the tips because they're pros. So it was like, and we played from tips. I'm like, oh, man, I'm feeling myself. And my driver snaps. And, bro, I shoot like a quad on a, I shoot a quad on a par four, a quad on a par five, and then it's like out the window.

And when I look back and I look at the score, I said, man, I ended up scoring 112 from the tips. Four months in. Like, what would I have done if I could have just kept my cool and say, you know what? Let me recover quickly and get back on track. But now, a lifetime opportunity where it could have been PR, it could have been a confidence booster, now just becomes a lesson on how fast you need to recover. You know what I mean? - It's hard, it's hard, you know? It's like the momentum in sports is such a powerful thing. You know, like you see these NFL quarterbacks, like the ability to just like, you see it when people crumble, you know? It's like, I think that's why we love sports so much 'cause it's so analogous to life. You know, you just gotta like, like I've made so many mistakes in my career and it's like I have an opportunity to just like, like stew on my shame and how horrible I am. Or I'm like, you know what?

I'm trying really hard and just keep it moving. You know, that's one of my things my dad says. Just keep it moving. - It's so true. And bro, you have to give yourself grace in order to move on to more. - Right. - Because it's hard to move on to more if you don't make peace with what happened in the past. It's hard to be fully present in today. It's hard to have hope for the future if you haven't made peace with the past. So if you have a space, and maybe there's some people out there who don't understand the sports analogies, but think about it. If you were cooking for Thanksgiving, you know, and you, oh man, I forgot to add a little bit of, you know, baking powder so the cake could rise. I know whatever it may be. And are you going to say, man, the whole Thanksgiving dinner is ruined? Like you still had a great turkey. You still had a great ham. You still have great, you know, dressing or stuffing, or you still have great sides.

You still have great macaroni and cheese. You still have all of these things. So are you going to throw everything away because you made a mistake on one dish? No, you're going to still manage to make sure that the rest of the experience is great and get back up and maybe go to the grocery store and get a cake off the shelf and just say, hey, we'll be okay. But as for whatever reason, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, when we get to shame, shame also doesn't just keep us stuck in quicksand. It also blinds us. It also skews the way we see. And if you control the way that you see a thing, you will control the way you behave towards a thing. - Can I be real with you? So I'm going to go on a tangent, but this is like one of the most important things I've had to learn in my marriage and communicating is like, you know, so I told you earlier that like my, maybe I was on this one, that my love language is like feeling

like I'm doing a good job. That's like what motivates me in every aspect of my life, in my career, my personal life. I want to feel like I'm good at whatever I'm doing, right? And maybe there's a deeper thing there of like, I need to find my value in Jesus and not by being good at stuff, but that's something that I deal with, okay? And so when my wife gives me feedback, you know, I get on something that I could be doing better in our marriage, you know? Historically, I would be so defensive and like kind of very, I would feel very criticized and very like, and I'd go to like, well, you know, I'm like a good guy and like I'm working so hard, blah, blah. And then she'd bring something up and then maybe it's something that I'm ashamed about. And I would kind of like bring up how bad it makes me feel and like how that's like, that shame is like, I really don't want to think about that. And like kind of get it to where now she's feeling bad

for me. - Yeah, yeah. - Does that make sense? - Yeah, absolutely. - And we saw a podcast, like another minister talking about this concept of like, sometimes shame can be the most manipulative way to communicate with the person. 'Cause it's like this person that you care about is giving you feedback. Like, hey, I think you could love me better by doing these things. - Yeah. - And then you just like flip it around on them. It's like, well, you're making me feel like such a shame, horrible person. And now it's like, the person that needed your help is actually like kind of catering to you and trying to support you. - Right. - And it's like so manipulative. It's like, they brought the problem to you and now you're making them feel bad. - Yeah, yeah. - You know, so shame is just like, it's like the number one enemy's tool of the enemy, I swear. - Yeah. - So I'm so glad we're talking about it. Does that make sense? - Yeah, it does, it does.

And that process is called gaslighting. So-- - Yeah, yeah, exactly. - So when you, shame will make you gaslight because what it does is it says it's so heavy that I need to do whatever I can to get this off of me, even if it means somebody else has to bear the burden of it. So it's like, man, I'm feeling so ashamed that like who's close, throw this on you. Well, if you didn't do this and if you didn't bring it this way and you should have talked to me about it like this and you should have waited until I didn't have this on the schedule and it's like, wait, but that wasn't the heart of it all. But that shame, it's a sore point. It's like when you get a bruise and somebody pokes at it and it's sore so you jump and you flinch and your reaction is a certain way. Well, it's the same thing and maybe it may not be for somebody if you're not married listening to this, but it may be for the kids. When the kids bring something to you,

when you say, man, my kids are very young and they've already had moments where they've corrected me and said, "Daddy, when you talk like this "or when you use that tone, it scares me." It's like, or, "Daddy, when you use that tone, I feel." And some of it is they just don't wanna get in trouble. But a lot of it could also be something I need to take time and say, wait a second, am I communicating? Because now I'm gonna be doing more damage than good if I don't address this the right way because then they won't even hear what I said. They'll just be moving out of fear. And that's not the way that we love. That's not the way that we parent. That's not the way that we connect. That's not the way that we build. The Bible says that God did not give us the spirit of fear but of power, of love and a sound mind. If God didn't give us the spirit of fear, you only got two options. It either came from man or it came from the devil

and neither of them are good choices. So if God didn't give you the spirit of fear, it also isn't a tool that he is going to use to convict you. And that's what Shane wants you to do. It's like, well, hey, be afraid of the future so that, 'cause you don't want last time to look like, you don't want the next time to look like last time. And hope says next time won't look like last time because I know what his promises say. His promises say that his latter days will be greater than my former. What's ahead of me is better than what's behind me. The Bible says that I am the head and I'm not the tail. That I'm above only and not beneath. That I am the righteousness of Christ. That I am a child of the most high God. That I am all of these things. So when you start to build yourself up with the truth, that counteracts the effects of Shane. You shift it from looking at your future with fear and start looking at your future with hopeful expectation.

Like, man, what if I did learn that lesson? Your tone changes, your countenance changes, your chest pops up, your shoulders go back. You say, man, I learned from the last time. I'm not gonna beat myself up for the lesson. I'm gonna use the wisdom from that lesson so that next time is more health. So that more people, more techs can make enough money to support their family, not just to feed their family, to support their family's dreams. I learned that lesson that, hey, maybe when I approached it in this conversation, it went this way. But let me approach it this way. Oh, look at the effectiveness. Look at the efficiency rise by 20, 30, 50%. I learned on the last hole like when I doubled there to let it go and then I hit an awesome drive on the next hole and now I have a birdie opportunity. I learned on the last at bat that don't sit on the fastball because he's gonna throw the change up. Okay, well, every single thing becomes a lesson.

So then you don't feel like every lesson is a loss. You say that it's not that I lost, I didn't lose, I learned. And when you learn, then you can change it and put it and flip it towards the good of the future, right? Bible says that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. So even the quote unquote losses, the mistakes, you realize that a righteous man falls seven times, but he gets up. And when I would add this, the devanteism to the end of that is, and when he gets up, he gets up with a lesson that makes his future so much better. - Yeah, man. And life and death are in the power of the tongue, you know, and so like whenever that thought of shamefulness comes in, I would encourage anybody listening to this, be like, "Okay, that is a thought that I am having." Just like this, like monotone. Like that is a thought that I'm having. It makes me feel really bad about this thing.

However, like I am a child of the creator and that is not who defines me. I'm gonna keep it moving and to just say it. And then like the more and more that those thoughts happen in your head, you associate it with like the script instead of like what happens normally is like you never think about it ever. And so every thought ever associated with it is like associated with the worst thing you've ever done in your life. So you're super ashamed. But then going forward, if you can be like X, Y, Z happen, I'm ashamed about that, but I'm not gonna feel that way because Jesus died on the cross for me. He defines me and my values in Him. And then you just literally keep it moving. Just keep it moving. - It's, I can't think of the verse, but it was, I read one the other day and it was basically the same idea. It was like, I think it was actually your sermon. It was like, when you're German, the seed is germinating.

Like you're in a growing season. Like don't beat yourself up when God's working on you. Literally keep it moving. Shame is the ultimate tool in the Belt and Edge. So I love what you're saying man. - Well, hey, let me pray for some people that are dealing with some shame and then we'll give some people the chance to accept Jesus. So Father, in the name of Jesus, I thank you. I don't wanna rush through this. There's somebody that's listening right now who's struggling with a shameful decision, but Lord, I pray that they would be reminded that your word says that you will set their sins from them as far as the East is from the West. We can't measure that, Father, but that goes to show how much you love us and we can't fully measure that either. So Father, I just come against the spirit of shame that everybody or anybody who's listening is feeling that they wouldn't continue to beat themselves up about a decision they made with less information

in a lesser state, in a more broken position, God, that they would continue to have grace as they move forward. The grace that comes from you, note that the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard their heart and their mind in Jesus name. So maybe you're out there and you're listening and you say, man, Devonté, like, I wanna know this Jesus that wants to get rid of my shame. I wanna know this Jesus that actually wants to trade me, like wants to trade me beauty for ashes, wants to trade my shame for grace, wants to get me from thinking about my past with shame and thinking about my future with hope. I wanna know that Jesus. If that's you, just repeat this prayer after me. You say, dear Jesus, I repent of my sins. Come into my heart, I make you my Lord and my Savior. I don't always know what that means, but I know as I walk with you, you'll teach me, you'll help me, you'll guide me. Remove the shame so that I can see the future

with the hope that you have in place. Help me to follow you all the days of my life. In Jesus name, amen, amen. - Amen, well, man, thank you, Devonté. What a message I needed this morning, and so if you're listening to this, thank you for listening. Drive safely if you're in the car and let's go make it a great week. - Let's go. - Later. (laughing)